Facebook Statuses

As I touched upon statuses in my last blog (or 1st blog as I fucked up) revolving around people writing a status about going to the gym,  I thought it only fitting that my next one be about said statuses.  Yes, I will lose friends on Facebook for this but honestly, I couldn't give a fuck and they're probably going to be the people who are notorious for doing the things that make me angry anyway, so win win in my (soon to be Nobel prize winning) book. So Dr. Zoidberg..I mean Mr. Zuckerberg, I hope you're making notes......

Why, in the blue hell, do people have to write stupid statuses? Statuses that nobody cares about. Statuses that will not help you in your life whatsoever, or even give you an inkling into their life.  I reckon I waste about 15 minutes of my day scrolling through the drivel that my friends/acquaintances and stalkers compile on my news feed, in the hope of one status, just one status, that I will appreciate, laugh at, ponder on or respond to.  How they can call it a NEWS feed is beyond me.  Where’s the bloody news? I feel so dejected when I get to the bottom of the feed and nothing has gripped me and I think to myself, is everyone’s life as boring as mine?  Doubtful, because mine is amazing. No wait, that’s my dream life.  When I write a status, it's either a funny thing that's happened to me that I think might be interesting for other people or something very poignant that I believe in, and want to tell the world, albeit small social world, regardless of responses!  Needless to say, I make sure I LIKE everyone of mine, obviously, as I'm fucking hilarious....and sexy!  What I don't do is write a status just to get a like (excluding my own) or a comment.  That's just plain bloody needy!

 

 

 

Let me give you a few examples of the kinds of statuses that really piss me off:  

“John Smith – Is really angry*” Oh, I see, you want everyone to ask why that is, is it john?  So the flood gates open, and in come the comments from those so called “caring people” who really don’t give two shits asking “what’s wrong?” and “is everything ok?”.  What utter bollocks.  If he had have put “John Smith - is really angry that the bus left earlier than it should have, causing him to be late for work!”  I would have possibly liked it or added a comment saying, “understandable anger mate, I can relate”.  Don’t go through this whole charade where we have to guess what’s wrong with you, that’s just taking the fucking piss. Grow the fuck up and deal with your feelings like everyone else does…by hiding them away deep down inside.

 

 

 

And what about people going on holiday in several months time, every day it’s “93 sleeps to go til Butlins Minehead”. Followed by “92 sleeps to go, can’t wait” and then “guess where I’ll be in 91 sleeps time”.  Just tell us where you’re going and when in one status and be done with it for Christ's sake.  What are insomniacs meant to write, “90 sleep….less nights to go, someone please kill me.” What’s with this “sleeps” scenario as well, what are we, 4 year olds? And while we’re on the subject, people saying goodnight. Sorry John boy and Mary Jane, this is not little house on the fucking prairie.  I don’t go on Facebook just before I’m about to go to sleep, just in case I can say goodnight to someone.  What is with that fucked up shit?

 

 

 Then we get the people who upload pictures of their food. Well fucking done, you can cook, what the fuck do you want, a medal, a chocolate watch or just a few likes and maybe one or two comments saying “that looks lush” or “can I have some”.  I’m going to start uploading photos of me next to the toaster just as it pops up with my thumbs up, or a pic of several boiled eggs on my plate.  I don’t see Delia “where’s our twelfth man?” smith or Gordon “fuck, fuckedee, fuckaroo” Ramsay doing it so why should you.  You are making a complete meal of it, pun intended. Not only can anyone can make what you’ve made, but you seem to be the only fucktard who feels so proud of their culinary achievement, that you need to share it with all your social networking friends.  Thanks, I can now go to sleep tonight safe in the knowledge that you can make a Sunday lunch with all the trimmings, without burning your house down. Bully for you.

 

 

However, if you were to put on a video of how animals eat food, I'd definitely be interested in seeing that!!!

 

Hey, do you look good today?  Why don’t you take a picture of yourself and put it on Facebook?  Go on! Why not?  There’s only 3,000 other "selfies" of you, and just you, already uploaded so far this week, another one won’t hurt.  What is it with this conceited shit?  These people are taking the name of the site too literally.  Now, I’m a self confessed handsome man or as Derek Zoolander would put it “really, really, really, ridiculously good looking”, but I’m not there taking picture after picture of myself with my smart phone and posting them for everyone to see.  I don’t because I’m not an anal twat who’s so into their looks, they’ve got shit on their face from their head being so far up their own ass.  As well as that, I don’t want to make other men feel bad about themselves.  Yes, I know, this may seem contradictive but I’m also a self confessed sarcastic prick...I mean legend.  As sarcasm, as we all know, is the highest form of wit.   “But I’m not up myself” I hear people saying with their phone pointing at them from another ridiculous angle.  OK, if it’s not an ego trip, then you must be so narcissistic and devoid of any self confidence, that you need constant praise and approval.  And if that’s the case, Facebook is not the way to go.  Actual medical help is.

 But the worst by far has got to be ‘a day in the life’ of somebody who posts a status every 5 minutes telling you what they are doing “Mandy Smith is getting in the shower as it looks cold outside, brrrrrr”, “Mandy smith had a lovely shower and is tucking in to some lovely scrambled eggs, check them out (pic included)”, “Mandy smith just had a lovely breakfast and is now putting on her coat to go to work.”  By the 3^rd status I would have defriended here and reported her to Facebook for wasting my time reading such inane bullshit.  I feel like a stalker just by reading them.  Do they think there are people out there, that have so much interest in them, they need to know what they are doing at every single bloody moment of the day? NO, HELL NO, FUCK NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

 

I'll leave you with this little gem that I missed out which is also, extremely.....fucking....annoying!

 

 

 

*or insert another type of emotion