Toilet Etiquette

 

Now, don’t worry, I’m not going to go on about the seat being up or down situation, as that’s just an age long question between the sexes that’s been going on since Thomas crapper invented the bloody thing.  Actually, if I remember my history, it was actually Sir John Harrington who invented it in the 16^th Century. A clear three centuries before Crapper’s flush patent was put through.  Bit of trivia there for you, you’re welcome.  Anyroad, as we know, Women want it down as they urinate (piss for the uneducated) sitting down and we want it up for the opposite reason (no, not the complete opposite, I don’t mean shit standing up, although…).  Personally, and with certainly no bias at all, I have to agree with the latter usage as being the most natural as it has it's advantages.  

 
Several things come to mind regarding toilet etiquette but the one that does my head in the most, is actually a fault with the male gender etiquette, and is normally found in drinking establishments, but also found at home, and that is pissing on the toilet seat.  I can actually hear women around the world agreeing with this as they’re reading it. Fuck the usual motherly signs of :

 

 

It should read “if you miss when you piss, wipe it up please…..or the same soaked seat will be ripped off and used to cave your fucking head in you complete cluster fuck”.  Pissing on the seat is not only disgusting and unhygienic, which you’d think would stop people in their tracks from doing it right there, but it is also a lot of hassle for the next person who uses it, as they have to get some tissue and carefully wipe off this excess liquid making sure they don’t get any on their hands before they can sit down.  And if they’re bursting for a shit, it’s a terrible and time consuming inconvenience.

 

 

Guys, I know some of you think you have perfect aim, and can take a leak without lifting the seat by shooting straight through, but some is bound to dribble onto the seat, and it normally stems from the few shakes post piss, to make sure you’ve emptied your bladder completely. (Note - anymore than 3 shakes is considered a wank).  Even if you do dribble, clean it up for fucks sake.  But in all fairness, It’s not exactly hard to lift a seat is it? So on that note, and thinking of respect for the next pants dropper, be a nice guy eh. 

 

Actually thinking about it happening at the home, this could be an argument stemming from my very first paragraph between a couple that would go something like this “husband, you’ve pissed on the seat again you dirty bastard” “Well wife, if you had of put the seat up in its rightful position then it wouldn’t have happened would it” So in summation, women are partly to blame.  Only joking. Not really though.  Of Course I am. Am I? 

The next is something that also only happens in a men’s toilet so women should be happy about that.  When you’re out having a drink on a Friday or Saturday night, you’re obviously going to empty the bladder at some point, as that’s just how the human body works.  Some guys have a bladder like a thimble, others like a keg.  Either way, to take a phrase from a legend from his Cancun heydays  “when you gotta go, you gotta go”.  Now, unlike women’s toilets, we have a limited amount of cubicles as most of the space is taken by urinals, which makes sense as unless you’re at a curry house, most people will need a number 1 rather than a 2.  My problem is the men that bypass the empty urinals, to take a piss in the cubicle.  Meaning that if it was the only cubicle there, anyone wanting to use it to drop their kids off, have to wait for this ass hat to finish his piss.  And normally, the drunken halfwit has done exactly would I despise in the first instance, so twat and double twat.  Now the only thing I can think of as to why you’d decided on using a cubicle instead of a urinal, when the latter is clearly what you’re looking for hence the word urine in it, is that you have a tiny dick and don’t want anyone to see it.

 

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The problem lies there, as most men know the toilet etiquette when it comes to urinals.  Where being you always leave one empty urinal between two men or at least 2 steps if a long urinal, if at all possible.   Watch the sneaky chess moves though

 

 

 

If this can’t happen due to an overflow of piss needing piss heads, it’s eyes front at all times unless you have accidentally caught you’re Johnson in the zip and you need to look down to free it.  At no time should you look to the left or right of you unless you’re having a natter with your mate.  Any attempt at looking directly down to your left or right should be met with severe consequences (exemptions are made if in a gay bar/club as I don’t not what the rules are in one of those). 

 

From these rules, there is no need to be shy about having a pin dick so please refrain from using the cubicles if you don’t need a shit or somewhere to hoover some powder up your nose. Thanking you.

 

 

 

 

I’ve pretty much had a right go at the lads in this instance but ladies, don’t think you can get away with it.  I’m sure you know, when it comes to public toilets, women’s are by far the worst.  In an office building I used to work in, something disgusting was always happening in the women’s on a daily basis with each of them coming back from doing their business, shaking their head and whispering “filthy buggers” under their breath.  Having worked in both the bar and hotel industry, I know first hand what lurks behind that innocent little skirted women’s figure on the door.  When I was the assistant manager of a pub in Cardiff, one of the patron’s complained off a blocked toilet in the women’s and as the other staff member, who was a bloody women as well, couldn’t face it, I had to face the challenge alone.  Now, I’ve always been under the assumption that all women do in a toilet is ‘powder their nose’, so I thought the toilet must be blocked with cotton ball pads and such and still today, despite what I saw, I still like to believe that it is all they do, as surely women don’t defecate! (Close your eyes and say it three times max clicking those red heels, I mean trainers, together and hopefully it’ll come true)  After sorting the mess out, I couldn’t look at a woman for 3 weeks.  How could these beautiful creatures that I put on a pedestal, create such a disgusting nightmarish scene????

 

 

It was like walking into hell.  Correction, hell would be a godsend to that place and a lot cleaner I might add.  I vowed from that day to only enter the forbidden zone if a proposal was that enticing, that it was completely warranted.  And no, I’m not on about sex you dirty minded bastards, I was on about a heavenly bej by the likes of Jolie or Lawrence (Jennifer that is before you start).  SO, in closing, please see below the etiquette for both the male and female sex (you may have to zoom in to read them properly. CRTL and + for those not in the IT world):

 

 

Before I finish, I’d like to share two architectural toilet nightmares for my global travels and one that will make your skin crawl.

The first is quite renown in America  think, although I could be wrong, but I very rarely am.  I first seen this set-up on a road trip around California.  Can’t remember exactly where but i'm not sure what are you meant to do here in regards to having a crap, as there was no lock on the door.  I can only imagine the kinds of conversations you could have with both people using them for their exact purpose. “excuse my mate, can you keep the splash back down please, it’s going all over my face” “I’ll try but can you refrain from turning when you’re talking, as you directly eye level to my schlong”.  Hilarious.

 

The second was in Dubai airport which was weird as it’s not exactly a 3^rd world country so it was the last thing I was expecting to see when I passed through passport control and followed the signs straight to toilet.  As after the half an hour wait, I was dying for a tom tit. Made it to the toilet without soiling myself, and I realized dying would have been a godsend.  What was in front of me when I opened the cubicle door can only be described as a hole in the floor.  At first glance I though the toilet had been stolen.  Now I’ve squatted before but only to lift weights so this was going to be a challenging task.  A task that even Richard O’Brien, from the classic show Crystal Maze, couldn’t possible explain.  I can tell you now, I was not looking forward to any more shit breaks in Dubai after that.  After making sure I wasn’t pissing on my trousers and yet staying above the hole at all times, I managed it.  Where the fuck is my medal please, that shit, excuse the pun, was hard!  How the rich sheiks do it with their dishdash robes is beyond me but then again, I suppose it’s easier to hike up, than pull down.

The last was on the Perhentian Islands off the coast of Malaysia.  Now you have to understand there was only 1 small hotel on the side of the island i was on, it was very rural with only huts and outhouses.  I was with my ex at the time and she was in in the hotel room with food poisoning, so I went out exploring the jungle and surrounding areas and ended up in a small hut that was showing short circuit or something.  So I settled down secretly sipping a half bottle of rum I had brought down an alley....well, a jungle alley as it were, because alcohol is banned in several parts of Malaysia. 

Anyway, long story short, I needed to hit the head after the massive seafood meals I had at dinner. (caught that day I might add. Blue Marlin, Swordfish, Shark, Tuna. All absolutely fucking gorgeous.  place was amazing, get out  to the islands if you around that way).  The outhouse was down a small path and had I tiny bit of electricity running into that light, so I couldn't even see the water in the toilet bowl (at least it wasn't a hole like Dubai I suppose).  I was 2 seconds from sitting straight down when I thought I'd do a courtesy flush  Lucky I did, as a great big bastard spider crawled out from the lip of the toilet and scuttled away.  Scared the life out of me and that's not to say I'm scared of spiders, as I had a tarantula as a pet when i was a child, it was just the situation I was in. Needless to say, the shit could wait and I've always flushed beforehand ever since, even in  UK as you never know.  Hanging fruit for the arachnids.  Cheese and bloody rice.

* There normally would be a pic here of something recently talked about but as it was cocks, I decided against it.  I'll let you imagination run wild on that one