Now, don’t worry, I’m not going to go on about the seat being up or down situation, as that’s just an age long question between the sexes that’s been going on since Thomas crapper invented the bloody thing. Actually, if I remember my history, it was
actually Sir John Harrington who invented it in the 16
th Century. A
clear three centuries before Crapper’s flush patent was put through.
Bit of trivia there for you, you’re welcome.
Anyroad, as we know, Women want it down as
they urinate (piss for the uneducated) sitting down and we want it up for the
opposite reason (no, not the complete opposite, I don’t mean shit standing up,
although…).
Personally, and with certainly
no bias at all, I have to agree with the latter usage as being the most
natural as it has it's advantages.
Several things come to mind regarding toilet etiquette but the
one that does my head in the most, is actually a fault with the male gender
etiquette, and is normally found in drinking establishments, but also found at
home, and that is pissing on the toilet seat. I can actually hear women around the world agreeing with this as they’re reading it. Fuck the usual motherly signs of :
It should
read “if you miss when you piss, wipe it up please…..or the same soaked seat
will be ripped off and used to cave your fucking head in you complete cluster fuck”. Pissing on the seat is not only disgusting and
unhygienic, which you’d think would stop people in their tracks from doing it
right there, but it is also a lot of hassle for the next person who uses it, as
they have to get some tissue and carefully wipe off this excess liquid making
sure they don’t get any on their hands before they can sit down. And if they’re bursting for a shit, it’s a
terrible and time consuming inconvenience.
Guys, I know some of you think you
have perfect aim, and can take a leak without lifting the seat by shooting
straight through, but some is bound to dribble onto the seat, and it normally
stems from the few shakes post piss, to make sure you’ve emptied your bladder completely.
(Note - anymore than 3 shakes is considered a wank). Even if you do dribble, clean it up for fucks sake. But in all fairness, It’s not exactly hard to lift a seat is it? So on that note,
and thinking of respect for the next pants dropper, be a nice guy eh.
Actually thinking about it happening at the
home, this could be an argument stemming from my very first paragraph between a
couple that would go something like this “husband, you’ve pissed on the seat
again you dirty bastard” “Well wife, if you had of put the seat up in its
rightful position then it wouldn’t have happened would it” So in summation,
women are partly to blame. Only joking.
Not really though. Of Course I am. Am I?
The next is something that also only happens in a men’s
toilet so women should be happy about that.
When you’re out having a drink on a Friday or Saturday night, you’re
obviously going to empty the bladder at some point, as that’s just how the
human body works. Some guys have a
bladder like a thimble, others like a keg.
Either way, to take a phrase from a legend from his Cancun heydays “when you gotta go, you gotta go”. Now, unlike women’s toilets, we have a
limited amount of cubicles as most of the space is taken by urinals, which makes
sense as unless you’re at a curry house, most people will need a number 1
rather than a 2. My problem is the men
that bypass the empty urinals, to take a piss in the cubicle. Meaning that if it
was the only cubicle there, anyone wanting to use it to drop their kids off, have
to wait for this ass hat to finish his piss. And normally, the drunken halfwit has done exactly would I despise in the first instance, so twat and double twat.
Now the only thing I can think of as to why you’d decided on using a
cubicle instead of a urinal, when the latter is clearly what you’re looking for
hence the word urine in it, is that you have a tiny dick and don’t want anyone
to see it.
*
The problem lies there, as
most men know the toilet etiquette when it comes to urinals.
Where being you always leave one empty urinal
between two men or at least 2 steps if a long urinal, if at all possible.
Watch the sneaky chess moves though
If this can’t happen due to an overflow of
piss needing piss heads, it’s eyes front at all times unless you have
accidentally caught you’re Johnson in the zip and you need to look down to free
it. At no time should you look to the left
or right of you unless you’re having a natter with your mate. Any attempt at
looking directly down to your left or right should be met with severe consequences
(exemptions are made if in a gay bar/club as I don’t not what the rules are in
one of those).
From these rules, there
is no need to be shy about having a pin dick so please refrain from using the
cubicles if you don’t need a shit or somewhere to hoover some powder up your
nose. Thanking you.
I’ve pretty much had a right go at the lads in this instance
but ladies, don’t think you can get away with it.
I’m sure you know, when it comes to public
toilets, women’s are by far the worst.
In
an office building I used to work in, something disgusting was always happening
in the women’s on a daily basis with each of them coming back from doing their
business, shaking their head and whispering “filthy buggers” under their
breath.
Having worked in both the bar
and hotel industry, I know first hand what lurks behind that innocent little
skirted women’s figure on the door.
When
I was the assistant manager of a pub in
Cardiff,
one of the patron’s complained off a blocked toilet in the women’s and as the
other staff member, who was a bloody women as well, couldn’t face it, I had to
face the challenge alone.
Now, I’ve
always been under the assumption that all women do in a toilet is ‘powder their
nose’, so I thought the toilet must be blocked with cotton ball pads and such and
still today, despite what I saw, I still like to believe that it is all they do,
as surely women don’t defecate! (Close your eyes and say it three times max
clicking those red heels, I mean trainers, together and hopefully it’ll come
true)
After sorting the mess out, I couldn’t
look at a woman for 3 weeks.
How could
these beautiful creatures that I put on a pedestal, create such a disgusting nightmarish
scene????
It was like walking into
hell. Correction, hell would be a
godsend to that place and a lot cleaner I might add. I vowed from that day to only enter the forbidden
zone if a proposal was that enticing, that it was completely warranted. And no, I’m not on about sex you dirty minded
bastards, I was on about a heavenly bej by the likes of Jolie or Lawrence
(Jennifer that is before you start). SO, in closing, please see below the etiquette for both the male and female sex (you may have to zoom in to read them properly. CRTL and + for those not in the IT world):
Before I finish, I’d like to share two architectural toilet nightmares for my global travels and one that will make your skin crawl.
The
first is quite renown in
America think, although I could be wrong, but I very rarely am. I first seen this set-up on a road trip around
California.
Can’t remember exactly where but i'm not sure what are you
meant to do here in regards to having a crap, as there was no lock on the door.
I can only imagine the kinds of conversations
you could have with both people using them for their exact purpose. “excuse my
mate, can you keep the splash back down please, it’s going all over my face” “I’ll
try but can you refrain from turning when you’re talking, as you directly eye level to
my schlong”.
Hilarious.
The second was in Dubai airport which was weird as it’s not exactly a 3rd
world country so it was the last thing I was expecting to see when I passed
through passport control and followed the signs straight to toilet. As after the half an hour wait, I was dying
for a tom tit. Made it to the toilet without soiling myself, and I realized
dying would have been a godsend. What
was in front of me when I opened the cubicle door can only be described as a
hole in the floor. At first glance I though
the toilet had been stolen. Now I’ve
squatted before but only to lift weights so this was going to be a challenging
task. A task that even Richard O’Brien,
from the classic show Crystal Maze, couldn’t possible explain. I can tell you now, I was not looking forward
to any more shit breaks in Dubai after
that. After making sure I wasn’t pissing
on my trousers and yet staying above the hole at all times, I managed it. Where the fuck is my medal please, that shit,
excuse the pun, was hard! How the rich sheiks
do it with their dishdash robes is beyond me but then again, I suppose it’s
easier to hike up, than pull down.
The last was on the Perhentian Islands off the coast of Malaysia. Now you have to understand there was only 1 small hotel on the side of the island i was on, it was very rural with only huts and outhouses. I was with my ex at the time and she was in in the hotel room with food poisoning, so I went out exploring the jungle and surrounding areas and ended up in a small hut that was showing short circuit or something. So I settled down secretly sipping a half bottle of rum I had brought down an alley....well, a jungle alley as it were, because alcohol is banned in several parts of Malaysia.
Anyway, long story short, I needed to hit the head after the massive seafood meals I had at dinner. (caught that day I might add. Blue Marlin, Swordfish, Shark, Tuna. All absolutely fucking gorgeous. place was amazing, get out to the islands if you around that way). The outhouse was down a small path and had I tiny bit of electricity running into that light, so I couldn't even see the water in the toilet bowl (at least it wasn't a hole like Dubai I suppose). I was 2 seconds from sitting straight down when I thought I'd do a courtesy flush Lucky I did, as a great big bastard spider crawled out from the lip of the toilet and scuttled away. Scared the life out of me and that's not to say I'm scared of spiders, as I had a tarantula as a pet when i was a child, it was just the situation I was in. Needless to say, the shit could wait and I've always flushed beforehand ever since, even in UK as you never know. Hanging fruit for the arachnids. Cheese and bloody rice.
* There normally would be a pic here of something recently talked about but as it was cocks, I decided against it. I'll let you imagination run wild on that one
What angers me is that
after you whack your toe, normally the big or pinky toe against something, it’s
such an irritating pain that I end up blaming the actual toes themselves for being so stupid and
clumsy as not to have seen whatever they kicked in the first place. Furniture clearly has a vendetta against your
toes and in the war against them, furniture is winning. It always seems to hit a door or the end of
table or bed as if your little toe was too busy “going all the way home” to
meet his buddies, than to notice an akward angled thing coming at them at pace. They should change that kids rhyme so they
know what to expect when they’re older.
That’s the other thing, when you do really hit the toe or
toes hard and they bruise up real nice like an old apple, and you definitely
think one or all are broken, there’s fuck all you can do because the little
mini sausage bastards can’t even be splinted together, so you just have to
endure the pain and hope they don’t heal in a 90 degree fashion. I have a friend who swears blind she has
broken every single one of her toe. Which unless you are keeping an up to date
diary of each event, is surely impossible, as the lucky bastard middle toes never seem to get hit. They are the intelligent pigs who stay out of
the firing range leaving the little one to take the brunt of every wooden
attack.
You'd think by the name that only athlete's get them but oh no, be warned, any unfit fuck can get this little gem. I don’t know if this horrible fungus
is good or bad. Are you joking? I hear you ask.
Yes, I know, it’s a fucking horrible fungus and most people have had it
at some point in their life, and sometimes it’s a pain to shift. Easy to pass on mind you, but a real fucking pain to
shift. The reason I say good as it feels
so damn good to scratch that bugger. Doesn’t it? Come on, if you’ve had it, you
know it does. But because it feels so
good, you keep doing it and end up scratching the skin right off which is not
good, not at all. Especially now they’ve
found you can get athletes foot on your hand. Why they haven’t called it athletes hand is beyond me as I thought that would be the obvious next step. 
If you’ve never had it, it’s a fungus that
normally grows in between your toes and thrives on warm moist areas. Like the fungus, I like warm moist areas but
between the toes is just weird in my tastes. (come on, let’s keep it light you
dirty bastard) It’s also a resilient son
of a bitch and if you have it, washing your feet twice day, changing your socks
and using the best cream on the market for like a month will be your routine
and don’t falter on it, as it will come back with a vengeance. The worst thing about this fucking thing is
that it’s so easily caught, mainly in communal showers and changing rooms but
even in your own home if you share showers with someone, not together obviously,
unless there’s a hose pipe ban of course. 
So next
time you have a one night stand, don’t JUST think about STD’s. If you let
her/him use your shower in the morning, you might end up with another problem
downstairs, way downstairs. I remember
in school when we used to have swimming pool outings, parents would make their
kids wear a waterproof sock if they had athletes foot or a verruca, but all that
did was ex communicate them from the group and be harshly quarantined in your
own section of the pool. I tell you
what, if that had have happened to me, I would have taken the sock off and pimp
slapped them with it. Luckily I wasn’t
stupid enough to wear one…..because I didn’t need it, just to make that clear,
I wasn’t out to contaminate the whole place for my own personal agenda. 
