The Gym

Now I go to the gym a lot to work out and keep fit as its hard keeping this amazing body in shape (picture not included) and there are several things that I’m sure a lot of you will have noticed if you go regularly or have ever been to one before. Probably in January when most people make some kind of an conscious effort to follow their resolution which normally only lasts for about a month. Anyroad, here are some things that normally get me angry....but of an understandable nature as I'm sure you'll agree. 

The Posers - Guys checking themselves out in the mirror is the norm in most gyms. Now I used to hate this but some people actual do it for muscle purposes so you can see which muscle you’re working  out, to make sure it’s the right one.  However, it’s the majority who are looking at themselves for egotistical and pure vainy purposes which I hate.  Most of them are more Mr Muscle than Arnie but they can't see it, even though they're looking into the bloody mirror.  I think we can ultimately blame this on Walt Disney's Snow White with that "mirror, mirror on the wall" scenario.  I’ve seen guys throwing up some Usain bolt poses while others act like they’re Popeye and they’ve just had their daily dose of spinach.  At least one person is pulling up the top every two seconds showing off what they think is a six pack and most of the time when it is, it's skinny kids doing it.  *Make Note* Abs on a skinny bloke is like tits on a fat bird, IT DOES NOT COUNT!!!  That’s like Tim Burton trying to shock everyone with the news that his new Johnny Depp movie is co-starring Helena Bonham Carter. Really??? WOW! Obviously! 

               

 

Amateurs - Another thing that really grinds my gears and that’s lads with big upper bodies, posing and thinking they’re Mr Big Stuff, but they are all wearing jogging bottoms or tracksuit bottoms and you will never eeeeever see them working their lower body out.  This is because they haven’t got one.  They actually think that it doesn’t matter about the lower body and it’s just the upper body that counts as that’s what you can see most of normally, and THAT’S WHAT WOMEN WANT.  Sad, demented, fools. Making sure you’re proportionate on from left to right is the way body builders do things but they also know it goes the same way from top to bottom as they don’t want to end up like top heavy fractions.  Look that up if you’re one of these people.  There was a guy i used to see in a real down and dirty weightlifting gym and he was huge, seriously.  His upper body looked like a huge kite, elongated traps, big shoulders and a tapering that went down to a tiny waist.  I don’t know how he did it but he also always wore joggers.  That’s why I called him a kite as the only thing under those joggers, was the string.

 

                

 

Inappropriate Gym wear – Fuck me, the amount of people I see nowadays wearing designer gear down the gym is ridiculous and I’m not taking sports designers like Nike or Adidas I’m talking Evisu and bloody Prada.  Some people are actually dressing like they need to look good.  Let me get this straight, you are NOT in a nightclub, this is NOT a Saturday night and if there’s a minute chance you manage to pull in a gym, it won’t be because of your impeccable dress sense let me assure you.  You are here for three reason only, to sweat, work out and get fit. Do you really want to do that on the treadmill in your jimmy cunting choo’s.  To be fair though, it’s the men more than the women.  Most of them wearing those stupid fucking trousers with plimsolls, a low neck t-shirt and a hat, A FUCKING HAT.  What in the thunder fuck do you need a beanie on your head for?  Have you not put in some whoop de moose or bed head this morning and it’s all over the place.  Fair play then, wear your little twat hat you absolute and utter thwaite but watch it doesn’t get knocked off by a flying dumbell!!!

 

Laziness – How can you have laziness in a gym I hear you say?  Well that’s a good question. If they’re in a gym they’re working out right? Another good question, but please read on!  Because of the technological age we are in, all striders (that’s what I call them as I think it’s a better name for cross-trainers, trademark, patent pending) and treadmills are now equipped with a screen, a radio and an a iPhone socket.  Now the last two don’t bother me as much as I like to listen to music as much as the next guy, possibly more as running is as boring as shit but a bloody tele, are you joking me?  Is that the only way we can get our fat ass out of the house, is by knowing that you won’t have miss out on the Eastenders omnibus when you get to the gym?  Most people now spend a few minutes getting the right channel ready before even starting there run.  On a serious note, what are you hear for, to watch tele or to burn off some much needed calories and lose weight.  How do you think people get overweight in the first place…….by sitting on their fat ass in front of their tele eating junk food and not working out.  I’m surprised they don’t do it on bikes as much, as you could literally sit there not pedalling watching your shows with a pack of Dorito’s in the cup holder.  What’s next, a tuck shop in the corner and optional Netflix or Lovefilm to access as well? Jesus.  What they should do is hook up the belt or pedals to the tele like a gerbil wheel, so you have to run or stride to get power into it.  At least then you'll have to train hard to make sure you see the end of your programme before it goes off when you stop. Or Maybe even this energy efficient way....

 

It’s October now so the nights are getting darker and colder and I can see why people tend to navigate more towards the indoor warmth of their nearby gym.  My gym however is next to a running track, a proper running track, and yet in the summer just gone, there was no one running on it, all of the people were on the treadmills ogling the box (that is one thing I thought I’d never hear myself saying).  Yes, Ok, our summers are not the hottest but they are most certainly not the coldest so it was definitely the entertainment package that kept them inside.  So I ask you again, are people even becoming lazier with their actual fitness regime.  Hell fuck they are.

                                  

Facebook Notifying - The last thing that makes me angry about the gym, is people feeling the need to tell Facebook all about it.  Why do that?  Do they think that people actually care you've gone up 5kg in your squatting since your last session or are you trying to make everyone believe you are ripped to shreds when in real life you're disgustingly overweight.  Why don't you start taking pictures of your pre and post protein shakes and upload them as well, as i'm sure everyone's dying to see them too.  Give it a break and stop filling newsfeeds with gym attending crap and just go and lift bro!!!

 

Well that's all for the gym session.....at least for now.  I'll leave you with some food for thought.  If a pub called itself 'The Gym', it would be easy to go for a few pints after work without lying to your partner about where your going.  Plus, they'll probably commend you for going to what they think is a fitness centre.....at least until it becomes obvious you're gaining weight not losing it!  Ciao