Please understand that i'm not doing a kill bill or harry bloody potter here and trying to extend something that never needed extending, just to make more publicity and money as A) this blog was way too long for just one part, B) This blog doesn't make money and C) If the last two reasons weren't good enough for you, nothing will be, so go fuck yourself....but also keep reading!
As the legenday Frank Sinatra once sang "Come fly with me, let's fly, let's fly away...", i'd be inclined to do it there and then. Not because of his crooner voice but to fly, is something we've being trying to atain for centuries, and it makes us feel like birds or angels high above the ground. So, that's what i did and i 've done my fair share in the last 15 years and I’ve travelled quite extensively around
the world, even though when I put up a world map on my wall recently, and put
pins in indicating where I’ve been, it actually looks pretty shit on a scale of
things. Plus, unless I change the colour
of the pins, it looks like I’ve been to all four corners of the world!! Not saying that I wouldn’t, maybe I will, I
don’t think Sir Ranulph Fiennes has done it yet (note to self). Anyroad, travelling to the 5 of 7 continents
I’ve been to, has always been by plane, and that’s where this section of anger
stems. 
There are several things I hate
about flying. The biggest by far is kids! I hate fucking kids! NO you sick fucks, not actually
fucking them! I meant, i fucking hate kids on a plane. It's crazy how you’ve really
got to watch how you say or write things nowadays, as by just swapping a word will turn
you from a person who doesn’t like kids to a fricking peado. Poor old Sammy L didn't like snakes but i'd love him dealing with a plane full of kids. Now that's a sequel right there. "I've had it with these mutha fucking kids on this mutha fucking plane!" Say it again Sam! Just them being there irritating the piss out of you by screaming
and crying all they way there. For instance, there was a four month baby on
my 9 hour plane ride from Dubai to Thailand. What kind of parents are you to bring a four
month baby on the plane for that long a duration. This kid doesn’t know to pop
his ears when the air pressure changes and because of that, screams bloody
murder when it happens. Fair play if the kid needed an operation but if it was
just for a holiday, fuck that, that’s just bad parenting. You can even get books to help you like the one inset. Why 17? It should be just 1. Don't fly with them! 
Another example of bad parenting on flights was when I was
flying back from Lanzarote, and I wasn’t feeling too great which was possibly
down to the prawn and crab on toast I had as my last meal on the island. It certainly felt like my last meal and as I tried
in vain to forget about my stomach churning inside out as we took off. And if that wasn’t bad enough,I had to deal
with two little shits in the seats in front playing bloody peak a boo. This went on for half a fucking hour. CONTROL YOUR FUCKING KIDS PLEASE! Needless to say, it ending in me violently
puking but as I had no sick bag (always the same for me when I need one) and my
ex not knowing that me pointing at my mouth with fat cheeks meant I needed to
vomit not play charades, I had to expel it into my lap and endure the wet lap,
irritating kids, apologetic missus and queasy stomach for another 3 hours. Good times.
I’m sure you’re all aware that in an amusement park, when
you queue for a rollercoaster, there’s a height restriction. I think the airlines should adopt the same
thing obviously with the exception of small people i.e. dwarves, midgets and
Daniel Morgan.
Another thing is people putting the chair down in front of
you. Now I know if someone puts it down
in front of you, with what little room it leaves, you have no other option but
to put yours down. But I still think it boils down to respect. Bottom line is, if you are going to put your
seat down, at least have the common courtesy to turn around and ask if it’s
ok. No one is going to say no, as it’s
your right to put it down, but at least show you care that you soon will be
invading their space and ruining their dinner and film. Most of the time, i don’t put my seat down
anyway but on the odd occasion, I turn around to ask and if i find the person
is sleeping, I automatically know straight away, that putting my seat back is
not going to bother them, so I sit back and relax. If you’re going to be a selfish ignorant
fuck, the only comfort you’re are going to feel all flight, is my mutha
fucking knee’s in your mutha fucking back! 
This issue you might not have come across, as I only just
found it out on my last flight to oz, was when I tried to watch public
enemies. With this historic remake, you have to pay attention and
really watch it, and as I was drinking, I just wanted an easy watch.So I decided to watch Wolverine: Origins instead. Now this is a great film and as I’ve already
seen it, I was looking forward to certain scenes of violence and swearing. And so, with can in hand, I waited until the
exact moment when….it skipped to the next scene, I was horrified wondering what
happened when it got to the next scene and again I was hit with Logan
miming fuck, but the earphones saying fudge!
What the fudge? Finally it dawned
on me that because of kids on planes, they have dumbed down the movies just in
case a kid watches it, as there’s no parental guidance lock on the film.
Fucking great. Surely the airline knows
which seat the kids are going to be in, therefore automatically locking any
adult material out on that seat. Either
that or the parents sitting next to them should be able to curb their
enthusiastic channel changing antics. Personally
it should be my answer to irritatement (trademark) number one. So forget about watching anything that's normally a 15 or more, as you'll be missing out. Stick to your comedies and rom coms. Oh joy. Pass me another beer please.
Budget airlines is becoming ridiculous now too. Yes, they are cheap but i think we are all sacrificing too much for a couple of
quid. I recently flew to Berlin
with Easyjet or Ryanair (both as bad as each other) and throughout the whole
experience from arriving in Birmingham
airport to leaving the Berlin
one, I saw not of the the EJ/RA staff smile.
They all had a face like a slapped ass, which is the last thing you
expect to see at the start of your holiday. Obviously their job is very rewarding. They didn’t even appoint seats which meant it
was like a bus when you got on it, so if you’re in group and are not first in
the queue, you get pittered in random single seats throughout the carriage
which is fucking annoying. I’m still
waiting for the pay as you go toilets, surely that’s on its way.
The onboard refreshments on the plane make me
laugh to. The stewardess comes on the
tannoy explaining the special offers “today we have a great offer on magners,
instead of £4 a can (and when I say can, I mean a coke sized can), we are doing
2 for £7” Oh really, wow, what an amazing
offer can I have 12 cans please? Do you
take travellers cheques or should I get out a loan. Also, she went on to say “we have all the
national papers onboard as well, all priced at the same as a local newsagent” When I asked for the sun and passed her 40p,
she told me it was a £1. What fucking
newagents do they go to! Don’t even get
me started with there TWO FUCKING PRONGED earphones the greedy cunts.
Of all the places I’ve flown to, I’ve never had jetlag. How I here you ask? Simple, I drink alcohol until
I fall asleep and when I awake on landing, I’m on the right time and feeling
exceptionally good. However, due to
budget airlines, you don’t get free alcohol depending on who you fly with,
which was an issue as me and the boys had just booked a spring break vay cay in
cancun with Thomas “I shouldn’t even be doing longhaul” Cook! Not willing to spend a fortune drinking their
£4 shots of beer, I, like Hannibal from
the A-Team, had a plan. Me and the boys
paid £18 for a 1st class lounge ticket and proceeded for the next 3
hours before boarding, to demolish as much booze as we could see fit, as all was
free. As well as that, we threw a few
more into our hand luggage for the flight just for good measure.
All felt right with the aeronautical world but mistakes were made when we
onboard.
After take off, we carried on
sneakily drinking as we all know its not allowed, from our bags but common sense should have come into play
regarding the empties but as we were already bollocksed, we put the empties into
the front pocket, clearly noticeably by staff.
Who, after the second warning, went on the tannoy to exclaim that “any
more passengers caught drinking their own alcohol on the plane, will face the mexican
police and prosecution on arrival.
Whoops, time to stop methinks.
Plane politics eh? I’m
pretty sure the Wright brothers didn’t expect all this fucking hassle when they
came up with the idea.
Part 2 will consist of Delays, Upgrades, Charges, In Flight Entertainment and more. So if these have bothered you in the past, i'm sure you'll appreciate the next part. All aboard.........
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