Plane Politics Part 1

Please understand that i'm not doing a kill bill or harry bloody potter here and trying to extend something that never needed extending, just to make more publicity and money as A) this blog was way too long for just one part, B) This blog doesn't make money and C) If the last two reasons weren't good enough for you, nothing will be, so go fuck yourself....but also keep reading!

As the legenday Frank Sinatra once sang "Come fly with me, let's fly, let's fly away...", i'd be inclined to do it there and then.  Not because of his crooner voice but to fly, is something we've being trying to atain for centuries, and it makes us feel like birds or angels high above the ground.  So, that's what i did and i 've done my fair share in the last 15 years and I’ve travelled quite extensively around the world, even though when I put up a world map on my wall recently, and put pins in indicating where I’ve been, it actually looks pretty shit on a scale of things.  Plus, unless I change the colour of the pins, it looks like I’ve been to all four corners of the world!! Not saying that I wouldn’t, maybe I will, I don’t think Sir Ranulph Fiennes has done it yet (note to self).  Anyroad, travelling to the 5 of 7 continents I’ve been to, has always been by plane, and that’s where this section of anger stems.   

There are several things I hate about flying. The biggest by far is kids!  I hate fucking kids! NO you sick fucks, not actually fucking them!  I meant, i fucking hate kids on a plane.  It's crazy how you’ve really got to watch how you say or write things nowadays, as by just swapping a word will turn you from a person who doesn’t like kids to a fricking peado.  Poor old Sammy L didn't like snakes but i'd love him dealing with a plane full of kids.  Now that's a sequel right there. "I've had it with these mutha fucking kids on this mutha fucking plane!"  Say it again Sam! Just them being there irritating the piss out of you by screaming and crying all they way there.    For instance, there was a four month baby on my 9 hour plane ride from Dubai to Thailand.  What kind of parents are you to bring a four month baby on the plane for that long a duration. This kid doesn’t know to pop his ears when the air pressure changes and because of that, screams bloody murder when it happens. Fair play if the kid needed an operation but if it was just for a holiday, fuck that, that’s just bad parenting.  You can even get books to help you like the one inset.  Why 17?  It should be just 1.  Don't fly with them!  

Another example of bad parenting on flights was when I was flying back from Lanzarote, and I wasn’t feeling too great which was possibly down to the prawn and crab on toast I had as my last meal on the island.  It certainly felt like my last meal and as I tried in vain to forget about my stomach churning inside out as we took off.  And if that wasn’t bad enough,I had to deal with two little shits in the seats in front playing bloody peak a boo.  This went on for half a fucking hour.  CONTROL YOUR FUCKING KIDS PLEASE!  Needless to say, it ending in me violently puking but as I had no sick bag (always the same for me when I need one) and my ex not knowing that me pointing at my mouth with fat cheeks meant I needed to vomit not play charades, I had to expel it into my lap and endure the wet lap, irritating kids, apologetic missus and queasy stomach for another 3 hours.  Good times.

I’m sure you’re all aware that in an amusement park, when you queue for a rollercoaster, there’s a height restriction.  I think the airlines should adopt the same thing obviously with the exception of small people i.e. dwarves, midgets and Daniel Morgan. 

 

Another thing is people putting the chair down in front of you.  Now I know if someone puts it down in front of you, with what little room it leaves, you have no other option but to put yours down. But I still think it boils down to respect.  Bottom line is, if you are going to put your seat down, at least have the common courtesy to turn around and ask if it’s ok.  No one is going to say no, as it’s your right to put it down, but at least show you care that you soon will be invading their space and ruining their dinner and film.  Most of the time, i don’t put my seat down anyway but on the odd occasion, I turn around to ask and if i find the person is sleeping, I automatically know straight away, that putting my seat back is not going to bother them, so I sit back and relax.  If you’re going to be a selfish ignorant fuck, the only comfort you’re are going to feel all flight, is my mutha fucking knee’s in your mutha fucking back!

This issue you might not have come across, as I only just found it out on my last flight to oz, was when I tried to watch public enemies.  With this historic remake, you have to pay attention and really watch it, and as I was drinking, I just wanted an easy watch.So I decided to watch Wolverine:  Origins instead.   Now this is a great film and as I’ve already seen it, I was looking forward to certain scenes of violence and swearing.  And so, with can in hand, I waited until the exact moment when….it skipped to the next scene, I was horrified wondering what happened when it got to the next scene and again I was hit with Logan miming fuck, but the earphones saying fudge!  What the fudge?  Finally it dawned on me that because of kids on planes, they have dumbed down the movies just in case a kid watches it, as there’s no parental guidance lock on the film. Fucking great.  Surely the airline knows which seat the kids are going to be in, therefore automatically locking any adult material out on that seat.  Either that or the parents sitting next to them should be able to curb their enthusiastic channel changing antics.  Personally it should be my answer to irritatement (trademark) number one.  So forget about watching anything that's normally a 15 or more, as you'll be missing out.  Stick to your comedies and rom coms. Oh joy. Pass me another beer please.

Budget airlines is becoming ridiculous now too.  Yes, they are cheap but i think we are all  sacrificing too much for a couple of quid.  I recently flew to Berlin with Easyjet or Ryanair (both as bad as each other) and throughout the whole experience from arriving in Birmingham airport to leaving the Berlin one, I saw not of the the EJ/RA staff smile.  They all had a face like a slapped ass, which is the last thing you expect to see at the start of your holiday.   Obviously their job is very rewarding.   They didn’t even appoint seats which meant it was like a bus when you got on it, so if you’re in group and are not first in the queue, you get pittered in random single seats throughout the carriage which is fucking annoying.  I’m still waiting for the pay as you go toilets, surely that’s on its way. 

The onboard refreshments on the plane make me laugh to.  The stewardess comes on the tannoy explaining the special offers “today we have a great offer on magners, instead of £4 a can (and when I say can, I mean a coke sized can), we are doing 2 for £7”  Oh really, wow, what an amazing offer can I have 12 cans please?  Do you take travellers cheques or should I get out a loan.  Also, she went on to say “we have all the national papers onboard as well, all priced at the same as a local newsagent”  When I asked for the sun and passed her 40p, she told me it was a £1.  What fucking newagents do they go to!  Don’t even get me started with there TWO FUCKING PRONGED earphones the greedy cunts.

Of all the places I’ve flown to, I’ve never had jetlag.  How I here you ask? Simple, I drink alcohol until I fall asleep and when I awake on landing, I’m on the right time and feeling exceptionally good.  However, due to budget airlines, you don’t get free alcohol depending on who you fly with, which was an issue as me and the boys had just booked a spring break vay cay in cancun with Thomas “I shouldn’t even be doing longhaul” Cook!  Not willing to spend a fortune drinking their £4 shots of beer, I, like Hannibal from the A-Team, had a plan.  Me and the boys paid £18 for a 1^st class lounge ticket and proceeded for the next 3 hours before boarding, to demolish as much booze as we could see fit, as all was free.  As well as that, we threw a few more into our hand luggage for the flight just for good measure.  All felt right with the aeronautical world but mistakes were made when we onboard. 

After take off, we carried on sneakily drinking as we all know its not allowed, from our bags but common sense should have come into play regarding the empties but as we were already bollocksed, we put the empties into the front pocket, clearly noticeably by staff.  Who, after the second warning, went on the tannoy to exclaim that “any more passengers caught drinking their own alcohol on the plane, will face the mexican police  and prosecution on arrival. Whoops, time to stop methinks.

Plane politics eh?  I’m pretty sure the Wright brothers didn’t expect all this fucking hassle when they came up with the idea.

Part 2 will consist of  Delays, Upgrades, Charges, In Flight Entertainment and more.  So if these have bothered you in the past, i'm sure you'll appreciate the next part. All aboard.........

Toilet Etiquette

 

Now, don’t worry, I’m not going to go on about the seat being up or down situation, as that’s just an age long question between the sexes that’s been going on since Thomas crapper invented the bloody thing.  Actually, if I remember my history, it was actually Sir John Harrington who invented it in the 16^th Century. A clear three centuries before Crapper’s flush patent was put through.  Bit of trivia there for you, you’re welcome.  Anyroad, as we know, Women want it down as they urinate (piss for the uneducated) sitting down and we want it up for the opposite reason (no, not the complete opposite, I don’t mean shit standing up, although…).  Personally, and with certainly no bias at all, I have to agree with the latter usage as being the most natural as it has it's advantages.  

 
Several things come to mind regarding toilet etiquette but the one that does my head in the most, is actually a fault with the male gender etiquette, and is normally found in drinking establishments, but also found at home, and that is pissing on the toilet seat.  I can actually hear women around the world agreeing with this as they’re reading it. Fuck the usual motherly signs of :

 

 

It should read “if you miss when you piss, wipe it up please…..or the same soaked seat will be ripped off and used to cave your fucking head in you complete cluster fuck”.  Pissing on the seat is not only disgusting and unhygienic, which you’d think would stop people in their tracks from doing it right there, but it is also a lot of hassle for the next person who uses it, as they have to get some tissue and carefully wipe off this excess liquid making sure they don’t get any on their hands before they can sit down.  And if they’re bursting for a shit, it’s a terrible and time consuming inconvenience.

 

 

Guys, I know some of you think you have perfect aim, and can take a leak without lifting the seat by shooting straight through, but some is bound to dribble onto the seat, and it normally stems from the few shakes post piss, to make sure you’ve emptied your bladder completely. (Note - anymore than 3 shakes is considered a wank).  Even if you do dribble, clean it up for fucks sake.  But in all fairness, It’s not exactly hard to lift a seat is it? So on that note, and thinking of respect for the next pants dropper, be a nice guy eh. 

 

Actually thinking about it happening at the home, this could be an argument stemming from my very first paragraph between a couple that would go something like this “husband, you’ve pissed on the seat again you dirty bastard” “Well wife, if you had of put the seat up in its rightful position then it wouldn’t have happened would it” So in summation, women are partly to blame.  Only joking. Not really though.  Of Course I am. Am I? 

The next is something that also only happens in a men’s toilet so women should be happy about that.  When you’re out having a drink on a Friday or Saturday night, you’re obviously going to empty the bladder at some point, as that’s just how the human body works.  Some guys have a bladder like a thimble, others like a keg.  Either way, to take a phrase from a legend from his Cancun heydays  “when you gotta go, you gotta go”.  Now, unlike women’s toilets, we have a limited amount of cubicles as most of the space is taken by urinals, which makes sense as unless you’re at a curry house, most people will need a number 1 rather than a 2.  My problem is the men that bypass the empty urinals, to take a piss in the cubicle.  Meaning that if it was the only cubicle there, anyone wanting to use it to drop their kids off, have to wait for this ass hat to finish his piss.  And normally, the drunken halfwit has done exactly would I despise in the first instance, so twat and double twat.  Now the only thing I can think of as to why you’d decided on using a cubicle instead of a urinal, when the latter is clearly what you’re looking for hence the word urine in it, is that you have a tiny dick and don’t want anyone to see it.

 

*

 

The problem lies there, as most men know the toilet etiquette when it comes to urinals.  Where being you always leave one empty urinal between two men or at least 2 steps if a long urinal, if at all possible.   Watch the sneaky chess moves though

 

 

 

If this can’t happen due to an overflow of piss needing piss heads, it’s eyes front at all times unless you have accidentally caught you’re Johnson in the zip and you need to look down to free it.  At no time should you look to the left or right of you unless you’re having a natter with your mate.  Any attempt at looking directly down to your left or right should be met with severe consequences (exemptions are made if in a gay bar/club as I don’t not what the rules are in one of those). 

 

From these rules, there is no need to be shy about having a pin dick so please refrain from using the cubicles if you don’t need a shit or somewhere to hoover some powder up your nose. Thanking you.

 

 

 

 

I’ve pretty much had a right go at the lads in this instance but ladies, don’t think you can get away with it.  I’m sure you know, when it comes to public toilets, women’s are by far the worst.  In an office building I used to work in, something disgusting was always happening in the women’s on a daily basis with each of them coming back from doing their business, shaking their head and whispering “filthy buggers” under their breath.  Having worked in both the bar and hotel industry, I know first hand what lurks behind that innocent little skirted women’s figure on the door.  When I was the assistant manager of a pub in Cardiff, one of the patron’s complained off a blocked toilet in the women’s and as the other staff member, who was a bloody women as well, couldn’t face it, I had to face the challenge alone.  Now, I’ve always been under the assumption that all women do in a toilet is ‘powder their nose’, so I thought the toilet must be blocked with cotton ball pads and such and still today, despite what I saw, I still like to believe that it is all they do, as surely women don’t defecate! (Close your eyes and say it three times max clicking those red heels, I mean trainers, together and hopefully it’ll come true)  After sorting the mess out, I couldn’t look at a woman for 3 weeks.  How could these beautiful creatures that I put on a pedestal, create such a disgusting nightmarish scene????

 

 

It was like walking into hell.  Correction, hell would be a godsend to that place and a lot cleaner I might add.  I vowed from that day to only enter the forbidden zone if a proposal was that enticing, that it was completely warranted.  And no, I’m not on about sex you dirty minded bastards, I was on about a heavenly bej by the likes of Jolie or Lawrence (Jennifer that is before you start).  SO, in closing, please see below the etiquette for both the male and female sex (you may have to zoom in to read them properly. CRTL and + for those not in the IT world):

 

 

Before I finish, I’d like to share two architectural toilet nightmares for my global travels and one that will make your skin crawl.

The first is quite renown in America  think, although I could be wrong, but I very rarely am.  I first seen this set-up on a road trip around California.  Can’t remember exactly where but i'm not sure what are you meant to do here in regards to having a crap, as there was no lock on the door.  I can only imagine the kinds of conversations you could have with both people using them for their exact purpose. “excuse my mate, can you keep the splash back down please, it’s going all over my face” “I’ll try but can you refrain from turning when you’re talking, as you directly eye level to my schlong”.  Hilarious.

 

The second was in Dubai airport which was weird as it’s not exactly a 3^rd world country so it was the last thing I was expecting to see when I passed through passport control and followed the signs straight to toilet.  As after the half an hour wait, I was dying for a tom tit. Made it to the toilet without soiling myself, and I realized dying would have been a godsend.  What was in front of me when I opened the cubicle door can only be described as a hole in the floor.  At first glance I though the toilet had been stolen.  Now I’ve squatted before but only to lift weights so this was going to be a challenging task.  A task that even Richard O’Brien, from the classic show Crystal Maze, couldn’t possible explain.  I can tell you now, I was not looking forward to any more shit breaks in Dubai after that.  After making sure I wasn’t pissing on my trousers and yet staying above the hole at all times, I managed it.  Where the fuck is my medal please, that shit, excuse the pun, was hard!  How the rich sheiks do it with their dishdash robes is beyond me but then again, I suppose it’s easier to hike up, than pull down.

The last was on the Perhentian Islands off the coast of Malaysia.  Now you have to understand there was only 1 small hotel on the side of the island i was on, it was very rural with only huts and outhouses.  I was with my ex at the time and she was in in the hotel room with food poisoning, so I went out exploring the jungle and surrounding areas and ended up in a small hut that was showing short circuit or something.  So I settled down secretly sipping a half bottle of rum I had brought down an alley....well, a jungle alley as it were, because alcohol is banned in several parts of Malaysia. 

Anyway, long story short, I needed to hit the head after the massive seafood meals I had at dinner. (caught that day I might add. Blue Marlin, Swordfish, Shark, Tuna. All absolutely fucking gorgeous.  place was amazing, get out  to the islands if you around that way).  The outhouse was down a small path and had I tiny bit of electricity running into that light, so I couldn't even see the water in the toilet bowl (at least it wasn't a hole like Dubai I suppose).  I was 2 seconds from sitting straight down when I thought I'd do a courtesy flush  Lucky I did, as a great big bastard spider crawled out from the lip of the toilet and scuttled away.  Scared the life out of me and that's not to say I'm scared of spiders, as I had a tarantula as a pet when i was a child, it was just the situation I was in. Needless to say, the shit could wait and I've always flushed beforehand ever since, even in  UK as you never know.  Hanging fruit for the arachnids.  Cheese and bloody rice.

* There normally would be a pic here of something recently talked about but as it was cocks, I decided against it.  I'll let you imagination run wild on that one

Facebook Statuses

As I touched upon statuses in my last blog (or 1st blog as I fucked up) revolving around people writing a status about going to the gym,  I thought it only fitting that my next one be about said statuses.  Yes, I will lose friends on Facebook for this but honestly, I couldn't give a fuck and they're probably going to be the people who are notorious for doing the things that make me angry anyway, so win win in my (soon to be Nobel prize winning) book. So Dr. Zoidberg..I mean Mr. Zuckerberg, I hope you're making notes......

Why, in the blue hell, do people have to write stupid statuses? Statuses that nobody cares about. Statuses that will not help you in your life whatsoever, or even give you an inkling into their life.  I reckon I waste about 15 minutes of my day scrolling through the drivel that my friends/acquaintances and stalkers compile on my news feed, in the hope of one status, just one status, that I will appreciate, laugh at, ponder on or respond to.  How they can call it a NEWS feed is beyond me.  Where’s the bloody news? I feel so dejected when I get to the bottom of the feed and nothing has gripped me and I think to myself, is everyone’s life as boring as mine?  Doubtful, because mine is amazing. No wait, that’s my dream life.  When I write a status, it's either a funny thing that's happened to me that I think might be interesting for other people or something very poignant that I believe in, and want to tell the world, albeit small social world, regardless of responses!  Needless to say, I make sure I LIKE everyone of mine, obviously, as I'm fucking hilarious....and sexy!  What I don't do is write a status just to get a like (excluding my own) or a comment.  That's just plain bloody needy!

 

 

 

Let me give you a few examples of the kinds of statuses that really piss me off:  

“John Smith – Is really angry*” Oh, I see, you want everyone to ask why that is, is it john?  So the flood gates open, and in come the comments from those so called “caring people” who really don’t give two shits asking “what’s wrong?” and “is everything ok?”.  What utter bollocks.  If he had have put “John Smith - is really angry that the bus left earlier than it should have, causing him to be late for work!”  I would have possibly liked it or added a comment saying, “understandable anger mate, I can relate”.  Don’t go through this whole charade where we have to guess what’s wrong with you, that’s just taking the fucking piss. Grow the fuck up and deal with your feelings like everyone else does…by hiding them away deep down inside.

 

 

 

And what about people going on holiday in several months time, every day it’s “93 sleeps to go til Butlins Minehead”. Followed by “92 sleeps to go, can’t wait” and then “guess where I’ll be in 91 sleeps time”.  Just tell us where you’re going and when in one status and be done with it for Christ's sake.  What are insomniacs meant to write, “90 sleep….less nights to go, someone please kill me.” What’s with this “sleeps” scenario as well, what are we, 4 year olds? And while we’re on the subject, people saying goodnight. Sorry John boy and Mary Jane, this is not little house on the fucking prairie.  I don’t go on Facebook just before I’m about to go to sleep, just in case I can say goodnight to someone.  What is with that fucked up shit?

 

 

 Then we get the people who upload pictures of their food. Well fucking done, you can cook, what the fuck do you want, a medal, a chocolate watch or just a few likes and maybe one or two comments saying “that looks lush” or “can I have some”.  I’m going to start uploading photos of me next to the toaster just as it pops up with my thumbs up, or a pic of several boiled eggs on my plate.  I don’t see Delia “where’s our twelfth man?” smith or Gordon “fuck, fuckedee, fuckaroo” Ramsay doing it so why should you.  You are making a complete meal of it, pun intended. Not only can anyone can make what you’ve made, but you seem to be the only fucktard who feels so proud of their culinary achievement, that you need to share it with all your social networking friends.  Thanks, I can now go to sleep tonight safe in the knowledge that you can make a Sunday lunch with all the trimmings, without burning your house down. Bully for you.

 

 

However, if you were to put on a video of how animals eat food, I'd definitely be interested in seeing that!!!

 

Hey, do you look good today?  Why don’t you take a picture of yourself and put it on Facebook?  Go on! Why not?  There’s only 3,000 other "selfies" of you, and just you, already uploaded so far this week, another one won’t hurt.  What is it with this conceited shit?  These people are taking the name of the site too literally.  Now, I’m a self confessed handsome man or as Derek Zoolander would put it “really, really, really, ridiculously good looking”, but I’m not there taking picture after picture of myself with my smart phone and posting them for everyone to see.  I don’t because I’m not an anal twat who’s so into their looks, they’ve got shit on their face from their head being so far up their own ass.  As well as that, I don’t want to make other men feel bad about themselves.  Yes, I know, this may seem contradictive but I’m also a self confessed sarcastic prick...I mean legend.  As sarcasm, as we all know, is the highest form of wit.   “But I’m not up myself” I hear people saying with their phone pointing at them from another ridiculous angle.  OK, if it’s not an ego trip, then you must be so narcissistic and devoid of any self confidence, that you need constant praise and approval.  And if that’s the case, Facebook is not the way to go.  Actual medical help is.

 But the worst by far has got to be ‘a day in the life’ of somebody who posts a status every 5 minutes telling you what they are doing “Mandy Smith is getting in the shower as it looks cold outside, brrrrrr”, “Mandy smith had a lovely shower and is tucking in to some lovely scrambled eggs, check them out (pic included)”, “Mandy smith just had a lovely breakfast and is now putting on her coat to go to work.”  By the 3^rd status I would have defriended here and reported her to Facebook for wasting my time reading such inane bullshit.  I feel like a stalker just by reading them.  Do they think there are people out there, that have so much interest in them, they need to know what they are doing at every single bloody moment of the day? NO, HELL NO, FUCK NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

 

I'll leave you with this little gem that I missed out which is also, extremely.....fucking....annoying!

 

 

 

*or insert another type of emotion